Manny Tested Positive; We’re Here for You, Red Sox Nation

Columns — By on May 7, 2009 1:24 pm

Via ESPN:

Major League Baseball is expected to announce Thursday that Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs and will be suspended for 50 games, The Los Angeles Times is reporting.

Ramirez’s test result and suspension are expected to be announced Thursday, The Times said.

Citing a source familiar with the matter, The Times reported Ramirez is expected to say the positive test results were a result of medication received from a doctor for a personal medical issue.

I don’t normally like to feed or even encourage the type of juvenile bickering that goes on between Yankee and Red Sox fans, so let me just say this.

Nothing can make up for the lackadaisical play of the Yankees over the last few weeks. Nothing will wipe away the five games in a row they have lost to the Red Sox. Nothing will make that G*d damned steal of home by Jacoby Elsbury and the ensuing laughter on the Red Sox bench disappear from my memory anytime soon.

But today… Today, the Red Sox got their own black eye. Manny isn’t with the Red Sox anymore so this doesn’t directly impact them in the present. But Manny has only played 80 games with the Dodgers and if one is to assume that Manny has gone down the steroid road after Major League Baseball has instituted such harsh rules, well, it’s reasonable to think that Manny went there before, isn’t it?

So, guess what Red Sox fans?

Manny’s Red Sox career, 1083 games, 158 OPS+, 274 home runs? TAINTED.

Manny’s 2004 campaign, you know, with the 152 OPS+ and 43 home runs? TAINTED.

Manny’s 2004 postseason campaign of .353/.423/.500? TAINTED.

Manny’s 2007 postseason campaign of.348/.508/.652 with 4 home runs and 16 RBIs? TAINTED.

The Red Sox 2004 Wild Card birth and first World Series victory in 86 years?  TAINTED.

The Red Sox 2007 AL East championship and World Series title?  TAINTED.

Welcome to the club, Red Sox Nation.  The steroid family hasn’t had an increase in membership this size since Balco, but we’re glad to have you aboard.  There are a few places here at the club that you should be made aware of as you make your way through this long journey.

The first door on your left is the Denial Room. If you’re having trouble accepting the fact that your main offensive force of the last eight years was a steroid user, you should visit here first.  We’ve furnished the room in rusted beams and scaffolding and given the bathroom an eerie sewer smell to make your confines feel more like Fenway.  Here, you can watch film of Manny’s various successes, listen to sportscasters calling him the greatest natural hitter of his generation, and reflect on the various treatment the Fenway faithful have given visiting steroid users, like this.

Please be warned: not all seats face the monitor so you may experience a light crink in your neck.

Next, we have the Acceptance Room. This room will help you come to terms with the fact that the majority of the success the Red Sox have achieved through Manny’s tenure was tainted.  To bring you back to your previous state of mind, you’ll watch film about the selling of Babe Ruth, the 1978 Boston Massacre, Bucky Dent’s home run, and little Aaron Boone in the 2003 ALCS.  We’ll also look at a special retrospective on The Three Kings, a reflection on the great Nomar, A-Rod, and Jeter debate, complete with half-drunk Red Sox fans shouting Nomar and pointing at their pajamas, plus a summation of the three players careers to date.  Finally, we have a special video for you called “Hypocrisy,” where we juxtapose various quotes from modern day Red Sox and their opinions on beanings over video of such Red Sox greats as Pedro Martinez and Roger Clemens.

Finally, there’s the Moving On room.  There really are no bells or whistles in this room.  It’s simply a chair with Enya playing in background.  The purpose of this room is to relax the mind and strip away the arrogance of the last four years that was wrongly placed there by your tainted team.  A few weeks in this room and you’ll be back to wearing regular clothes, cease throwing half-drunken beers at people, and eventually lose that ridiculous accent.

It’s going to be a long journey for you, Red Sox Nation, but we know that your previous 86 years of constant failure have made your charter members a strong unit.  As for the band wagoners of the last four years, may we introduce you to the Tampa Bay Rays?

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5 Comments

  1. somark37 says:

    Nice try. Tragically, predictably pathetic, but a nice try.

    Go get ‘em NEXT year, bub.

    • Scott Ham says:

      The article is intentionally over the top.

      At the same time, it’s just a reminder to Red Sox fans of how they reacted after the Mitchell Report came out. Maybe not you in particular, but there certainly was a “holier than thou” attitude that really doesn’t hold water in light of the Manny news.

  2. Èlbert says:

    As musch as I’d like to cheer about this one ( I am well known Red Sox hater) I’d have to say that this scandal is not so much in the face of the Sox as we’d like it to be. The reason I say this is because Manny passed over 15 drug tests in the past and they were all negative. Unfortunately the one test he did fail was taken after he left Boston.

    It would have been really pleasant indeed to have this happen while he was still there but it did not. I think we should focus our attention towards figuring out why the heck the Yankees have played so bad against them this year. I know that it’s still early in the season but…C’mon!! let’s get going already!!

    • Scott Ham says:

      I’m with ya, Élbert. I think as more time passes on the Manny story, more light will come of it.

      There’s two factors here, though, that don’t support Manny’s innocent claim. The first is that HCG is a masking agent, the same agent Jose Canseco was stopped for at the Mexican border for trying to bring into the US. The second is that Manny made no attempt to clear any of this with MLB before he took it. The substance was obviously on the banned list. Even Manny can’t claim ignorance to that. If he truly needed it for medical reasons, it would only be logical to approach MLB about, but he didn’t. Those are the actions of a person hiding something.

      MLB followed up on him when his testosterone levels were abnormally high and discovered that he had taken HCG. Why were his levels so high? Why wasn’t any of this done through the team? It is possible Manny was just being stupid, but you would think any reputable doctor who would be dealing with him on these “issues” would be aware of the consequences of taking HCG. Something there doesn’t add up.

      So let’s assume for a moment that Manny was masking a steroid. He’ll be 37 years old this month. Baseball has had pretty strict testing for a good four years now. If a player, at 37, is willing to take that risk with this testing program in place, is it reasonable to think that the same player at age 31 or 32 would be willing to take steroids with no threat of suspension? Why now and not then?

      This is all speculation but I also think they’re pretty fair questions.

      Regarding the Yankees, it’s pretty simple: pitching. The rotation and the pen just aren’t getting it done. Period. They’re fifth in the AL in runs scored, first in runs allowed and walks allowed.

  3. Scott Ham says:

    somark37, would you care to revise your statement? It didn’t take until next year. It only took a couple of months!

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